Forgive Yourself 寬恕自己

(中文往下看)

I was awoken by the sound of knocking. The postman standing outside was very annoyed by my tardiness to answer the door. I was still in shock from the nightmare, or rather the "daymare" I was in, and also from being pulled back abruptly from it by the postman. "Bad dreams" always mask themselves as an obscure reality, they look as though they really happened in real life. And they always wake us up with a shock. My teacher taught us, as I also teach my students that the very raison d'être of nightmares is to wake us up. Nightmare is a wakeup call from our subconscious wisdom.

In the dream I see myself walking in my flat towards the kitchen. I find there is a "new" desk being put right outside. It is made in dark coloured wood like ebony, vintage Chinese style but the wood is matted and mouldy, covered with dust. I am assuming it is my husband who took this back from somewhere, possibly from someone's giveaways. As I look to the left, I see a few more pieces of furniture in the same style and conditions. I think to myself, I do need a desk for working and I wouldn't mind to clean these up. I walk back towards the living room and I recognised my red coffee table and next to it some patches of water on the floor. I am about to clean them up then a little girl about 7 or 8 years old suddenly appears at my right, pulling my shirt. I am startled by her and I know she is not alive. I tremble in fear and I know I need to clear her away with SRT. I call out my guardian angel and Archangel Michael for protection, and begin to feel more steady and calm and start my SRT clearing. The little girl begins to speak, telling me her name "Chan xxx Lam" and she has run away from home without her parents knowing. She said she was afraid that her parents would blame her for their divorce. While she is talking I am in the process of clearing and sending her back to light. A thought appears: shouldn't I get more information from her first before sending her to light so that I could notify her family? Then I was woken up by the knocking.

My first instinct was to take out my SRT charts and checked if there were really an entity visiting considering the name of the girl is a familiar one, but I got a negative answer. I then know this dream is my very own "wake up call". I wrote it down properly in my dream journal, recording what I could remember. I did my "tikkun" (repairing) by going back to the dream, I took out all the old furniture from that flat and burn them in a bonfire. It is true that these days I feel I need a proper desk and space to work at home especially when at of a sudden many design works have come my way. I was terribly stressed in every way the past week working on those projects, and a lot of old emotional traumas were being triggered and reopened. And I am actually working on the kitchen table. I feel an old belief system about work, creativity and self-value needs to change and transform. I have seen little girls at 7-8 years old in my recent dreams too. I know this is a phase of my childhood that needs healing. Perhaps it was the time when the root of my creative expression was mostly suppressed. It was the time when the child began to know there were rules that she couldn't trespass or she would get punished. It was the time she found these rules unreasonable and unfair, but she couldn't fight back as questioning itself would invite punishment. It was the time when she began to stop trusting adults and to shut down her real thoughts and emotions.


I sent my dream to my dream partner for a second perspective. Then a student of mine sent me her own nightmare and asked for help. We all share a dream field indeed. She asked me what is self-forgiveness. I answered her it's to forgive and accept yourself for all the faults you thought you have (as you were just young and didn't know better), and fully embrace your own strengths and weaknesses. Take responsibility of your own past and future and stop comparing yourself to others, or blame yourself that you are not better. Then my dream partner suggested that I should take the ghost of the little girl to the fire as there might be a second story to the dream. I went back to the dream, I take the girl to a beach and I build a bonfire. It is dark all around but I feel reluctant to take the girl to the fire as I know she is an aspect of me and she is just a phantom. I ask the dolphins from the ocean to take the body of the lost girl back to shore. They bring back a body wrapped in white cloth like a mummy. I take her to the fire. The fire turns white and a white bird shoots up to heaven from the fire. Then the surrounding turns to day and the little girl returns to the ocean of my subconscious.

So was that little girl really me or was it also the girl who was lost in the sea? I don't know. But I do realise that my own advice to my student is the very panacea of my issues. I realise that I have been setting all kind of rules on myself and I punish myself whenever I break them. I feel guilty that I stay up late playing video games instead of reading or studying, I feel guilty that I am behind my astrology course and I haven't done the homework. I feel guilty that I sleep late till noon even though I have problem sleeping at night. I feel guilty that I didn't go to gym. I feel guilty that I didn't do any work during the typhoon day. I feel guilty that I brought myself a nice bath oil. I feel guilty that I eat a dessert... and the list is endless. I am still acting like that 7 year old girl in front of the domineering parents, although my parents are already in heaven. Now I understand why I always feel restless, it's like an undercurrent in my life. How can I be in peace if I am always waiting to be scolded or punished? It has become my secondary instinct to deny my own needs and desires.

It took a long time to develop a bad habit into a new instinct, and therefore, it takes time to unmake it. I have to learn to honour my own needs, my desires and my feelings. It is a day to day effort, there is no quick fix. While learning astrology and human morphology, I believe we all have a blueprint to live our lives; one can call it destiny or divine plan. I once asked my teacher Catherine if this is what fate is like for the ancient Greek heroes? She said she would call it destiny, because it is up to us if we will do the "tikkun" or not. Knowing that there is a blueprint of how our lives are evolving, I shall just focus on the now, do what I can and do what I love. Some might say what's the point then? We cannot control what is outside of ourselves. Well we all have limited time to spend on this earth, why not spend it on doing something that makes you happy? I have choice to my life, in fact we have to make all sorts of choice big and small every day. Make choice that feels good in your body, mind and heart. The Chinese character of forgiveness is 恕, it means following the heart.


敲門聲把我從夢中驚醒。 站在門外的郵差對我遲來的應門看似非常不耐煩。 我仍然被剛剛的噩夢驚嚇著,尤其是被突然其來地從夢裡拉回來。「噩夢」總是把自己偽裝成一個扭曲的現實,令夢行者誤以為它確實發生在現實生活中。 噩夢的驚嚇度總會震撼地搖醒我們。 我的老師教導我,同時我也教我的學生,噩夢的存在原因是要喚醒我們。 噩夢是來自我們潛意識裡智慧的警鐘。


在夢中,我看見自己正朝家裡廚房走去。我發現廚房外面有一張“新”的工作枱。它是用深色烏木製成,有點傳統中式風格,但枱面卻發著霉,被灰塵覆蓋。我估計是我老公從某處 (可能是某人搬家不要的) 拿回來的。我向左面看,看見更多相同風格的舊家具。我在想,我確實需要一張工作枱來工作,所以我不介意去清理這些舊東西。我朝客廳走去,認出我的紅色茶几,旁邊地板上有一些水。我準備去清理它,突然一個約7、8歲的小女孩出現在我右邊,拉著我的上衫。我被她嚇了一跳,而且我知道她是個靈體。我因慌亂而顫抖,我知道我需要用SRT清走她。我呼喚我的守護天使和大天使米高來保護自己,心情開始鎮定一點,並開始用SRT做清理。小女孩開始說話,告訴我她的名字叫"陳X霖",她在父母不知情的情況下離家出走。她說,她擔心父母離婚會怪她。在她講話時,我一直在做清理,準備送她回到光中。這時出現了一個想法:我是否應該先從她那裡問更多資料以便通知她的家人,才送她到光呢?然後我就被吵醒了。

我醒來第一個本能是拿出SRT圖表,來檢查是否確實有靈體來訪,因為女孩的名字是一個大家熟悉的名字,但是我得到了否的答案。那麼,我便知道這個夢是我自己的“警鐘”。我把夢在夢的日記中好好地寫下來,記錄我能記得的細節。然後我回到夢中去做“ tikkun” (修復),我把所有舊家具從那間屋拿出來,用火把它們燒掉。的確,最近我確實覺得自己需要一張適當的枱和空間好能在家工作,尤其是突然出現了許多設計工作。在過去的一星期中,我在各方面都感到很多壓力,許多有關工作的舊情緒創傷被觸發和重新打開。實際上我只能在廚房的枱上工作。我覺得有關於自己的工作,有些對於創造力和自我價值的舊信念需要改變和轉化。我最近的夢中也出現過7-8歲的小女孩。我知道這是我要去療癒童年的那個時期。也許是在那個年紀我的創造力和表達被壓制了。那年紀的孩子開始明白到有一些規則,她不能擅自打破,否則將受到懲罰。那也是她覺得這些規則不合理和不公平的年紀,但是她無法反抗,因為質疑規則本身會招致更多的懲罰。那是她開始不再信任成年人並停止表達自己的真實想法和情緒的年紀。


我將夢發給了我的dream partner,希望她能給我其他的解讀角度。就在此時我的一個學生把她自己的噩夢發給我,並要求幫助。我們所有人確實在同一個夢行場域裡。學生並問我什麼是自我寬恕。我的回答是:要寬恕並接受自己認為自己以前的所有缺失(因為你那時還年輕並且沒有今天的智慧),並且充分接受自己的優點和缺點。要對自己的過去和未來負責,不要再將自己與他人比較,或者責怪自己不夠好。然後我的dream partner建議我把那個夢中的小女孩帶進火中,因為夢可能還有其他隱藏的故事。我回到夢中,帶那個小女孩去海灘,搭建火堆。周圍一片漆黑,但我不願意把那個女孩帶進火裡,因為我知道她是我自己的一部份,而且她只是一個幻像。我請求海豚從海洋中把那個迷失的女孩的屍體帶回岸上。屍體包裹著白布像木乃伊般,我把她帶進火裡。火突然變成白色,一隻白鳥從火中衝到天堂。然後,周圍變成白晝,小女孩回到了我潛意識的海洋裡。


那個小女孩真的是我嗎?還是那個迷失在海中的女孩呢?我不知道。但是我確實意識到,我給學生的答案才是解決問題的萬能藥。我意識到我一直在為自己設下各種規則,每當違反這些規則時我都會懲罰自己。當我熬夜打機而不是在讀書時,我會感到內疚;我對我的占星課程跟不上進度感到後悔,而且我還沒有做完功課。即使我晚上難以入睡,我對自己中午才起床感到內疚。我沒有去健身感到內疚。我在打風日沒有做任何工作感到內疚。我為自己買來香香的沐浴油感到內疚。我吃了甜點會感到內疚......這個清單沒完沒了。儘管我的父母已經在天堂了,但我仍然像那個7歲大的小女孩在她霸道的父母面前生活著。現在我明白了為什麼我總是感到不安,不安就像我生命中的暗流。如果我一直在等待被責罵或懲罰,我能如何感到平安呢?否定自己的需求和慾望已經成為我的第二本能。


將壞習慣養成一種新的本能需要很長時間,因此,亦需要一段時間才能抵消它。我必須學會尊重和滿足自己的需要、慾望和感受。這是日出日落的工作,並沒有其他快速解決的辦法。在我學習占星學和人類形態學的同時,我發現我們都有一個生命的藍圖;人們可以將其稱為命運或神聖計劃。我曾經問過我的老師Catherine,這會是像古希臘英雄那樣的宿命 (fate)嗎?她說,她會稱它為命運 (destiny),因為是否要對命運進行“ tikkun” 是我們的選擇。知道了自己的生命有它自行衍變的藍圖,我需要的是專注於現在,盡我所能,做我所愛。有人會說那是為了什麼呢?又有什麼意義呢?我們無法控制自己以外的事物。每個人在地球上的時間都有限,為什麼不花時間做一些讓自己快樂的事情呢?我能選擇自己的生活,實際上我們每天都必須作出各種各樣的選擇。去選擇對自己的身體、思想和心靈都有益的選擇。寬恕的恕字是"如心",請跟隨自己的心。

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