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One's search for meaning 尋找意義

Updated: May 18, 2020


Today is my 12th day in hospital. I had my swipe test for virus and chest X-Ray in the morning and now I am waiting for results. I asked my husband to bring me lunch and a cup of coffee. I had stayed away from caffeine for 3 weeks now. Any remnant of some sense of normalcy is craved for. It makes one realised being normal is a luxury.  Being able to sleep on your own bed, eat the food you choose to, go out when you want to...... are privileges . Being able to breathe without reminding yourself to is a real luxury. I can no longer take things for granted when I am in complete mercy of others, especially I cannot take my body for granted any more.

I know I have rattled a lot of people around me with my illness.  It has rattled myself deeply too.  I wouldn’t believe I am one of the few “unlucky” ones who got infected. While on my way back to Hong Kong, I remember thinking to myself that I refused to get sick because I am finally living a life that I feel I am destined to.  I choose life.  Perhaps that’s why I was in denial for days when I first have symptoms. I used all the tools I know to check and triple-check if I was infected and I got no. Until one night I was sleeping and my body had a clear conversation with me. It told me my body is of course being infected by the virus, although that's not the reason that I am sick. I woke up and this time I get a confirmation from my SRT clearing. I then was plunged into another wave of panic, I was afraid I would be sent to somewhere unpleasant but at the same time I have the responsibility to other people as I could infect others if I stay quiet. I drew tarot cards, I talked to my teacher and my homeopath, and eventually I felt I had to take responsibility for my illness. I took the afternoon to pack my luggages and it tired me out immensely as I was still having fever. I showered and changed then I called the hotline. The ambulance arrived in half an hour. The hotel staffs were helpful and pragmatic. I had to wait inside an isolated makeshift tent in the hospital car park for my X-Ray result, there I had my first breath of fresh air in 10 days. I was sent to my room as soon as they saw my X-Ray. The test for virus was extremely painful and I had blood in my throat the next 2 days. The staffs in the hospital are first rated here, they are efficient, kind, courageous and dedicated.

After I was confirmed with the virus, I told my family and a few close friends. I have of course shocked the hell out of them. I received all sorts of loving, kind and also inconsiderate responses or the lack of one. I was in an awful delirium and I felt abandoned. My teacher kept telling me it is time to let go of old grief and sadness as lungs are related to these emotions. I remember one night lying awake with only my mind intact, I did a reversing of all the memories related to being not supported and feeling abandoned. It was a long movie, and I rolled up the films and have them burnt. Afterwards, I began to receive warmer responses from others. I can now attest to what my teacher said from the Talmud that "the dream follows the mouth". When someone plays down my illness saying this is just a regular flu, I got so angry and defensive. Only the people who has contracted this illness can tell you it is surely not a regular flu. When someone tells me it is for the best, there is a reason for all this..... I got despair and feeling unheard, what is the reason and rhyme in this suffering? Or when people threw me their fear of death and worries, I don't know if I should feel sorry for myself or I should console them instead. Sometimes I feel as if I am not living through it at all, I am just an observer watching a horrible movie about someone else. I have to hold on to little images of hope, and my teacher and some of my friends have been most encouraging to me.

Amidst the deep despair and panic, I have never felt so loved and blessed in my life. Many family, friends and classmates really showed me I am very much loved and cared for. I wouldn’t have survived this without my dearest teacher Catherine who checks on me daily and offers prayers and help and love to me. Wendy also checks on me everyday, giving me funny pictures and encouragement.  My husband brings me necessities to keep me relatively comfortable in hospital.  Lucia has me to receive reiki and Louise gives me clearing whenever I need.  And so many friends like Michael, Elizabeth, Claudia, Natsuko, Brianna, Irene, Sharon, Akiko, Rebecca, Yannick and Carine who checks on me regularly.  

I just received a call from my doctor that my virus test is negative again and they are letting me out. I am still in shock while I am writing this from my hospital bed. I didn't think I could get out for another week. My roommates in the ward all have their jaws dropped upon hearing the news. All I can say is, the power of the mind is real. The inner work, the energy work and all loving thoughts and prayers are real. This is nothing short of a miracle.

今天是我住院的第12天。早上我進行了病毒測試和肺部的X光檢查,現在正在等待結果。我請老公給我帶午餐和一杯咖啡。我已經遠離咖啡因三個星期了。非常渴望有任何所謂的常態的殘餘感覺。我意識到「正常」是一種奢侈。能夠睡在自己的床上、吃自己喜歡的食物、想出去的時候出去......是一種特權。能夠不用提醒自己呼吸而呼吸是一種真正的奢侈。當我完全需要依賴別人的幫助時,我不能再把任何事情視為理所當然,尤其是我再也不能把自己的身體視為理所當然。 我知道我發病後困擾了我周圍很多人。它也深深地困擾了我自己。我難以相信自己是少數被感染的「倒霉」的人之一。回程到香港時,我記得自己坐在飛機上想,我拒絕生病,因為我終於過著自己注定要過的生活。我選擇生命。也許這也是為什麼我幾天後開始出現症狀時一直拒絕接受治療的原因。我使用了所有我認識的靈性工具來檢查和再三檢查我是否被感染,但沒有得到是的答案。直到有一個晚上,當我在睡覺時,我的身體與我進行了清晰的對話。它告訴我,我的身體當然被病毒感染了,儘管那不是我生病的真正原因。我醒來後,這次我從SRT清理中得到了被感染的確認。然後,我陷入了另一波的恐慌中,我擔心我會被送到不舒適的地方,但與此同時,我亦需要對別人付責任,因為如果我保持沈默,我可能會感染他人。我抽塔羅牌、跟老師和順勢療法醫生討論,最終我覺得我必須為自己的病負責。我花了一個下午收拾行李,因為我仍然在發燒,這讓我非常疲累。我洗了澡,換了衣服,然後打了衛生署的熱線電話。救護車在半小時內到達。酒店的工作人員非常友善和務實地幫忙。到達醫院時,我不得不在醫院停車場內的一個臨時搭建帳篷內等待X光檢查的結果,在那裡我第一次在十天裡呼吸到新鮮空氣。醫生一看到我的X光片,便立即將我送到隔離負壓病房。病毒的測試過程非常痛苦,接下來的兩天我的喉嚨會出血。我對醫院的工作人員給予最高評價,他們高效、友善、勇敢和敬業。 隔天我被證實感染了該病毒後,我告訴了我的家人和幾個親密的朋友。他們當然被我大大震驚了。我收到了各種各樣充滿愛、善意,也有缺乏考量的回應或甚至沒有回應。我當時身體處於可怕的恍惚狀態,並感到自己被遺棄。我的老師不停地告訴我,是時候放下舊有的悲傷和哀悼了,因為肺與這些情緒有關。我記得有一個不能睡覺的晚上,只有自己的心智仍完整和清醒,我將所有感到不被支持和被離棄有關記憶逆轉。那是一部很長的電影,我把電影菲林捲起來,並把它們燒掉。之後,我開始收到他人較熱情的回應。我現在可以證實我的老師在《塔木得》中所說的「夢隨口而出」。當有人淡化我的病情說這只是普通流感時,我非常生氣。只有感染了此病的人才能告訴你,這肯定不是普通流感。當有人告訴我感染了是好事,一切都有其原因。我感到絕望和不被聆聽,要受這種苦難的原因到底是什麼?又或者,當有人把他對死亡的恐懼和擔憂扔給我時,我不知道我是否應該為自己感到難過,還是應該反過來安慰他。有時候,我覺得自己根本沒有在經歷這段經歷,我只是一個觀察者,觀看著一部關於別人的恐怖電影。我必須抓緊一點關於希望的圖象,可幸地我的老師和一些朋友給了我很大的鼓舞。 在這深深的絕望和恐慌中,我卻從未在一生中感到過如此多的愛和恩典。許多家人、朋友和同學向我展示了深切的愛與關懷。如果沒有我最敬愛的老師Catherine每天給我寫信,並為我祈禱和幫助我,我會無法渡過這難關。Wendy每天向我詢問狀況,寄給我有趣的圖片和鼓勵。丈夫給我帶來了使我能在醫院保持相對舒適的必需品。Lucia讓我接受靈氣,Louise在我有需要時給我做清理。Michael、ElizabethClaudiaNatsukoBriannaIreneSharonAkikoRebeccaYannick和Carine等朋友定期向我詢問狀況。 我剛接到醫生打來的電話,說我的病毒測試再次呈陰性,他們讓我出院了。我現在在醫院病床上寫這篇文章時仍然感到震驚。我以為我至少還有一個星期才能出。我病房裡的室友聽到這個消息時都張大了嘴巴。我只能說,心靈的力量是真實的。內在的修練,能量的清理以及所有正面的思想和禱告是有用的。這不叫奇蹟應叫什麼?

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