Survivor's Guilt 生存者罪疚

(中文請往下看)

I am being released from the hospital for a week now. I have been feeling rather restless at home, as if I don't know how I should behave or what I should do after the illness. My lungs feel weak and I still cough a little when I try to take a deeper breath, but I finally can sleep without aid the past 2 days. I have been asking my dreaming the past 3 days about what else I should let go of in order to live a happy and abundant life. The dreaming tells me very clearly: The first night I see myself in the hospital needing a heart operation as I have to have it fixed to let it "flow" again. The second night I see men being flaky and dishonest to women. The third night I see myself looking through my bills and worried about not having enough money and see a friend who is always so abundant and easy to earn money and she is enjoying a sumptuous meal. I woke up doing the "tikkun", first by healing my heart with light and see it connects to others. Then I reversed all the memories I have regarding doubts of men as well as being short of money and worried. Again those are long movies that I have to clean up the emotions and burn the films. I will continue with the same question until the dreaming tells me I am healed and cleared.


I still get in touch with my roommates in the hospital ward, two of them are still tested positive albeit being admitted before me and have no negative symptoms. I have been doing SRT on them daily hoping that I could help and support them in some ways. They still think my case was a miracle and even the new patient who replaced me on my bed was tested negative the first day, they told me it's because I left my energy on the bed. I am also told that I have other friends who came down with cancer or having serious accident at home. And other friends abroad who caught the virus but cannot get tested or admitted to hospital since the symptoms are not serious enough. Real life really can be more surprising and cruel than movies or novels. I know that I am very lucky, I cannot say enough. I cannot imagine the despair, pain and fear in total lockdown for weeks after weeks.


If I had to learn my lesson through this illness, then I know I got it easy in comparison to many others. I am grateful that I am still alive; that I have friends and family, a home to go back to, food in the fridge and a sound mind and calm emotions. I am grateful to see my body is recovering a little everyday, that it has this innate wisdom to strive for life. I am down with this question to myself: What can I offer to others from what I have learnt? What is my part in this time? I only know that life will push us harder and harder if we refuse to open up and change. I have witnessed the passings of loved ones, and I saw all too clearly some souls really refuse to change and they will rather die with their belief systems. And ultimately, one cannot change anyone, we all need to make our own choices and take responsibility for the consequences. We all live by what we believe in. Do we have the awareness to discern what beliefs are not supportive to us and the courage to let go and transform them? Often challenges can be really difficult, but they also present us an opportunity to turn them around. Just don't lose hope, hold the image of hope like your life depends on it. And you do.


我已經出院一星期了。我在家裡一直感到不安,好像不知道病後應該要怎樣做或要做什麼。我的肺部仍感到虛弱,每當嘗試深呼吸時,仍然有點咳嗽,但至少過去兩天我終於可以不用吃藥地入睡。在過去的三天晚上,我一直問我的夢:我還要放下什麼才能過上幸福和豐盛的生活呢。夢清楚地解答了我:第一天晚上,我看見自己在醫院裡需要進行心臟手術,因為我需要修復心臟令其再次「流動」。第二天晚上,我看到一些男人對女人輕浮而不誠實。第三天晚上,我看到自己在翻閱賬單,擔心沒有足夠的錢,然後遇見到一個朋友,她​​總是那麼富足,非常容易賺錢,正在享受著豐盛的午餐。我醒來做 “tikkun” (修正),首先是用光療癒我的心臟,看到與其他人連結。然後,我逆轉了我對男人​​的懷疑、不信任以及缺錢和擔心的所有記憶。同樣地,那些記憶是一部長長的電影,我必須把有關的情緒清理和燒掉底片。我將繼續問夢同樣的問題,直到夢告訴我被療癒和清理為止。


我仍然與我在醫院同房的室友保持聯繫,其中兩人儘管在我之前被送入院並且沒有嚴重症狀,但病毒測試為陽性。我每天幫她們做『靈性反應療法』,希望能以某種方式幫助和支持她們。們仍然認為我的情況是個奇蹟,即使現在有另一位患者代替我躺在同一病床上,她在第一天就被檢測為陰性,室友告訴我這是因為我把我的能量留在床上。我還被其他朋友告知,我有一些朋友患上癌症或家裡發生嚴重意外。也有朋友在國外感染病毒,但因為症狀不夠嚴重,因此無法接受測試或住院。與電影或小說相比,現實生活確實更殘酷和令人驚訝。我知道我很幸運,我實在說不夠這個事實。我無法想像一週又一週地被封鎖隔離的絕望、痛苦和恐懼。


如果我必須從這個病中吸取教訓,那麼我知道與許多其他人相比,我過得太容易了。我很感恩我還活著;我還有朋友和家人,有可以回的家,雪櫃裡有食物以及一個健全的頭腦和平靜的情緒。我很感恩看到我的身體每天都有一點恢復,它擁有這種與生俱來的智慧去爭取生命。我問自己這個問題:我可以從我學到的東西中向別人提供什麼呢?我在這個時代能有什麼作用呢?我只知道,如果我們拒絕開放和改變,生命會越大力去推動我們。我親眼目睹過親人的離逝,並清楚地看到有些靈魂真的拒絕改變,他們寧死也不願改變自己的信念系統。最終,任何人都無法改變任何人,每個人都需要為自己作出選擇,並對後果承擔責任。所有人都活出我們所相信的實相。我們是否有足夠意識來辨別哪些信念已經不再支持我們,以及去放下並轉化它們的勇氣?通常,挑戰確實可以非常艱難,但是它們也為我們提供了一個轉化的機會。不要失去希望,像你需要完全依賴它來生存一樣。而你確實是需要。


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