Survivor's Guilt 生存者罪疚
I am being released from the hospital for a week now. I have been feeling rather restless at home, as if I don't know how I should behave or what I should do after the illness. My lungs feel weak and I still cough a little when I try to take a deeper breath, but I finally can sleep without aid the past 2 days. I have been asking my dreaming the past 3 days about what else I should let go of in order to live a happy and abundant life. The dreaming tells me very clearly: The first night I see myself in the hospital needing a heart operation as I have to have it fixed to let it "flow" again. The second night I see men being flaky and dishonest to women. The third night I see myself looking through my bills and worried about not having enough money and see a friend who is always so abundant and easy to earn money and she is enjoying a sumptuous meal. I woke up doing the "tikkun", first by healing my heart with light and see it connects to others. Then I reversed all the memories I have regarding doubts of men as well as being short of money and worried. Again those are long movies that I have to clean up the emotions and burn the films. I will continue with the same question until the dreaming tells me I am healed and cleared.
I still get in touch with my roommates in the hospital ward, two of them are still tested positive albeit being admitted before me and have no negative symptoms. I have been doing SRT on them daily hoping that I could help and support them in some ways. They still think my case was a miracle and even the new patient who replaced me on my bed was tested negative the first day, they told me it's because I left my energy on the bed. I am also told that I have other friends who came down with cancer or having serious accident at home. And other friends abroad who caught the virus but cannot get tested or admitted to hospital since the symptoms are not serious enough. Real life really can be more surprising and cruel than movies or novels. I know that I am very lucky, I cannot say enough. I cannot imagine the despair, pain and fear in total lockdown for weeks after weeks.
If I had to learn my lesson through this illness, then I know I got it easy in comparison to many others. I am grateful that I am still alive; that I have friends and family, a home to go back to, food in the fridge and a sound mind and calm emotions. I am grateful to see my body is recovering a little everyday, that it has this innate wisdom to strive for life. I am down with this question to myself: What can I offer to others from what I have learnt? What is my part in this time? I only know that life will push us harder and harder if we refuse to open up and change. I have witnessed the passings of loved ones, and I saw all too clearly some souls really refuse to change and they will rather die with their belief systems. And ultimately, one cannot change anyone, we all need to make our own choices and take responsibility for the consequences. We all live by what we believe in. Do we have the awareness to discern what beliefs are not supportive to us and the courage to let go and transform them? Often challenges can be really difficult, but they also present us an opportunity to turn them around. Just don't lose hope, hold the image of hope like your life depends on it. And you do.
我已經出院一星期了。我在家裡一直感到不安，好像不知道病後應該要怎樣做或要做什麼。我的肺部仍感到虛弱，每當嘗試深呼吸時，仍然有點咳嗽，但至少過去兩天我終於可以不用吃藥地入睡。在過去的三天晚上，我一直問我的夢：我還要放下什麼才能過上幸福和豐盛的生活呢。夢清楚地解答了我：第一天晚上，我看見自己在醫院裡需要進行心臟手術，因為我需要修復心臟令其再次「流動」。第二天晚上，我看到一些男人對女人輕浮而不誠實。第三天晚上，我看到自己在翻閱賬單，擔心沒有足夠的錢，然後遇見到一個朋友，她總是那麼富足，非常容易賺錢，正在享受著豐盛的午餐。我醒來做 “tikkun” (修正)，首先是用光療癒我的心臟，看到心與其他人連結。然後，我逆轉了我對男人的懷疑、不信任以及缺錢和擔心的所有記憶。同樣地，那些記憶是一部長長的電影，我必須把有關的情緒清理和燒掉底片。我將繼續問夢同樣的問題，直到夢告訴我被療癒和清理為止。